a fortnight of intense stress, 4 hour insomniac nights, nicotine and caffeine does have the tendency to drive one crazy.

been cooped up in my room mugging for the past two weeks, the only person whom i've spoken to on a regular basis is seb. and joyce, i feel really bad for giving her a hard time, like fucking her for nothing, knowing what she has to go through and whats ahead of her. in the short span of a week, i single handedly caused tension not once, but twice! in what had otherwise been bliss. fuck i feel like shit, honestly. God will ya please jus slap me senseless. why am i like that??? matthew loong is not like that!!! did You suddenly give me a vagina overnight while i was sleeping???!!!

i think many people dont understand why im working so hard. lets put it this way, this is possibly my last attempt at keeping the scholarship, after this if still cannot, then i'll seriously jus fuck care and be at peace with myself alr. i'll still study la of course. im not doing it for the money, i dont need the fucking money, ya hear that ong? i dont need your fucking money! im doing it because i wanna prove that i can do it, i dont believe i cannot.

one more paper! jus one more! after that there are so many things waiting out there for me! cayc, the smu tourney, the blacks tourney, nrc (..yes again..), soccer @ cage with sam and the gang, special sem, dutch class. jus endure a bit more only..

take it easy bro.. take it easy.. no point keeping good grades and go nuts losing everything thats of greater importance..

i feel exactly like elizabeth wurtzel in prozac nation.. yes that describes it sublimely..

i should also stop listening to iron maiden, heavy metal screws up ya mind man, its not a myth. only hillsongs for me now.. ~lift me up~ la~la~ la~.....