thoroughly enjoyed the weekends game. sloshy weather, dragged myself down 10min before kickoff with little mood to play, only to be told to go eight by edwin. i jus wanted to do my job, get it over with, and come home for the party. ended up having a blast. not perfect but good enough. "we boys never grow up" i was told at the hose by an opposite englishmen, who was fackin forty! maybe its really time to grow up la, can feel the passion waning, not to mention cheebye every post match day gotta lie in bed cannot move. i alr plan to skip the whole of this week. really hope the bootmarks on my face clear by thursday too.
i've been trying very hard to define my faith lately, well in no small part due to the hooha and hoolabaloo thats happened. because when the red light was on, and the camera was rolling, i couldnt say a shit, i was as dumb as an ass. not that i wasnt true or anything, i jus couldnt put a finger to it. so i thought very hard about it, why did i freeze up and talk crap? have i been wrong all this while, have i been too slack?
then as i was searching for an answer, God answered me with joan osbourne, yes not don moen or hillsongs, but joan osbourne, joan osbourne's "one of us".
when i was younger, i used to think that this song was blasphemous, so much so that when i reached this track, i would skip it. but now, i would be so bold as to say that it vividly describes what i believe but couldnt articulate.
notice how she sings as if mockingly. but if ya listen carefully, i think she actually believes, she actually does. thats how it is with me i guess. still have no words of fancy or expressions to describe it proper, but i'll jus leave it at that.
it would be the gravest mistake to take me for being lukewarm though.
on other issues, so they actually gave me the allowance afterall..
managed to slither my way through for another time extention, minus allowance i suspect.
my ball game hasnt been exactly that great either, well its okay but not fantastic la. playing our first league match next wk against blacks which is basically the whole SA team. honestly im a little scared. during the last training, we had a shadow session and it wasnt so good, under pressure several passes didnt reach my man. im not only worried that my forwards arent experienced enough to protect me, im also worried that if i fuck up hisham will get killed. at flank, all i had to do was hit the opposite flyhalf as hard as i could. there're two little voices going on in my head now, ones telling me that i have the skill and agility to pull it of, edwin and brian affirmed that. then theres the other one telling me that im not a halfback. with eight fowards waiting constantly to chrome my ass, i sometimes listen to the latter but i owe it to myself to listen to the former la.
did something really very bad today too. was driving home with my folks after church on this two lane narrow road, and this motherfuckingsonofamotherfuckingcheebyebitch parks his huge suv on one of the lanes with a double yellow line at the side causing a jam on the entire road. only his car in the middle of no where. sway sway i was on the left lane so when i tried to cut out i scraped a little bit of the bumper. coming out to check the damage, in a moment of rage i kicked the suvs bumper in fucking broad daylight in front of the whole world. i got fucked big time by my folks after that. dad stayed behind to wait for the guy to come back to settle stuff. i wanted to stay but dad fucked me jialat jialat sia.. okay i know that this is shocking and stupid okay. i know alr so dont have to tell me how stupid i am. after church summore.. i feel horrible sigh. but one thing about parents is that when they fuck you and they see that ya genuinely sorry, they start to pity ya a little. maybe its all the shit in my head la, never concentate while driving plus never think before i act. sigh enough of that alr la.
oddly enough, works one area i've found a slight respite. i kinda enjoy working there, cos when im there, im like away from everything. the staffs nice too, which at last count numbered, hmm lets see.. one-two-three-and a half (cos the owners not there half the time), haha okay its a small business thats hardly crowded, but maybe thats why its quite fun. zach the retail managers a pudgy classy ah beng whos like the older brother whom i take breaks with, judy the other pudgy events managers like the older sister whos forever trying to wear my apron for me. and finally theres the owner jos, whos this 30 yr old milf driving a beemer.
i see the income disparity as a result of a meritocratic and capitalist system everyday. yuppies in their 20s coming in opening a bottle of $60 shiraz after work, while when i go for lunch at lau pa sat i see old cleaning aunties and uncles in their 50s scrimping for change to pay for their meal, which is nothing more than rice with one veg, dont even mention buying drinks for lunch. it does make one feel bad and wonder doesnt it.
i do admit im one of the blessed ones. shifting in next week! mixed feeling i guess, excited in a way but afraid i might get lonely. its not like at home where the family and friends are. its not like hall where ya see ppl ya know ard, i mean even tho i was phantom but at least theres small talk.
christianing the place with a painting i did,
24 by 24" acrylic on canvas
cost me 50 bucks for materials and an entire evening of course must haolian a bit la haha doing another piece to match this one when i got the time and money
yes feeling sad again
com'on dont ya'll be jagging me yo, we all go through tough patches, nows mine okay? dunno where all that nigga talk came from but yeah.
nah.. its all been cool ya guys have been great and at least smth nice happened tonight
God.. bad idea, it was seriously damn off.. wavelength macam gamma and radio.. expressions fucking difficult to read.. i havent had such a draggy session of prata.. irony ain't it, i have become a shaun yoon
wed d-day, what the hell do ya want me to say? why is it so difficult to understand that an improvement of 0.1 is very good alr
its about time heh..
We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed. -II Corinthians 4:8-9
had a good session as half back for the knights today, nothing beats a good run in the park. well cant say much for them, but i guess with the inclusion of the jasper, justin, gerald, leck and a coupla other boys, it mightn't be such a bloodbath this season after all.
well done ya ozzies! finally the all blacks have been beaten! all ya kiwi supporters.. bloody CONFORMISTS! hah up yours!
on a more sombre note was lying in bed earlier and started feeling a little sad. i used to mock couples that were emo, but lately i've been thinkin, maybe they were right and i was wrong maybe deep inside i was jus jealous of them.
I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption because I know to live you must give your life away And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because I gotta get outta here I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake I gotta get outta here And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.
I’m giving up on doing this alone now Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there And this life sentence that I’m serving I admit that I’m every bit deserving But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because I gotta get outta here Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake I gotta get outta here And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.
I am a hostage to my own humanity Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave
Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and I’ve been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because I’ve gotta get outta here I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake I’ve gotta get outta here And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.
I fought You for so long I should have let You in Oh how we regret those things we do And all I was trying to do was save my own skin But so were You